


If I jump in this fountain / Will I be forgiven?

by happybeans



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Catholic Guilt, Catholicism, Christianity, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26184934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happybeans/pseuds/happybeans
Summary: At Sunday Mass, Matt contemplates his continuing decision to be Daredevil. A hefty dose of Catholic guilt is involved.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14
Collections: Daredevil and Defenders Exchange 2020





	If I jump in this fountain / Will I be forgiven?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brittlestars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittlestars/gifts).



> This story is a gift for brittlestars based off the song, "Forgiven" by Alanis Morissette for the Daredevil and Defenders 2020 Exchange! I'm super happy that writing for brittlestars gave me the chance to branch out and try something a little different than what I'm used to.

He won’t go through the whole song and dance; you know how the story goes: there was an old guy, a truck, and the Will of the Father. What else could Matt do? 

God brought him there that day, and he played his part. He was blinded; he was given his abilities.

Then, one cold night, his dad died. In the end, it seems that’s what it always comes back to. 

Suddenly, it was just Matt—until it wasn’t.

Stick stormed into his life, intense and thundering. Matt learned to control his powers, how to use them for good. He learned to fight. But it was more than that: he learned how to move beyond himself. He didn’t learn his limits; he learned how to hurdle over them, how to surpass his best for a better best.

For a while, everything felt...good. Not the same, no, nothing would ever be the same as it was with his dad, but the bruises and aches, the sweat and blood and occasionally tears—all of it became his norm. He grew comfortable in it.

Stick was gone as quick as he came.

Again, Matt was alone. Until he wasn’t:

“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit…”

_ Amen. _

God. In the end, it seems He’s what it always comes back to. 

Alone in the orphanage, rejected by family after family, Matt gave in to the pull. He let God lead him through high school, then undergrad, then to law school. 

And God led him to Foggy. 

And for a while, everything was good. 

“Brothers and sisters, let us acknowledge our sins…”

He wasn’t sure whether he regretted it or not, even as he beat the sinning man to unconsciousness in the cold, wet alleyway.

And when the man’s body hit the ground, Matt remembered his father.

“I confess to almighty God…”

He remembers warmth and Foggy’s laughter. He remembers love. 

“And to you, my brothers and sisters…”

He could feel the bruises forming on his knuckles and on his side where the man hit him back. 

He could smell the blood soaked into the gloves wrapped around his hands.

How much could they protect him from?

“That I have greatly sinned…”

God gave him these powers. He can’t be wrong. He can’t.

Matt can’t.

“In my thoughts and in my words…”

Everything Matt’s done...it’s been to help. Hasn’t it? 

Or is it like Foggy said: does Matt do it because some part of him needs it?

“In what I have done and what I have failed to do…”

He feels like he’s on a tightrope. He feels like he’s blind. He’s ruined everything. He merely wanted to fix the world.

“Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault…”

But he hasn’t. Even after everything he’s done, the world is still on fire. 

He’s taken his peaceful life and flipped it on its head.

And the cupboard doors flew open, and the cups and plates came crashing down.

“May almighty God have mercy on us…”

Foggy’s forgiven him. Karen has, too. Will it be enough? 

When it’s all said and done, when it all comes back to God, will Matt have done enough?

“Forgive us our sins, and bring us into everlasting life.”

_ Amen. _

Matt falls back against the pew, hands balled into fists, too-long fingernails digging into the skin of his palms. He pulls in a shaking breath, sighing it out after. He focuses on clearing his mind, on controlling the heartbeat bouncing around in his chest beside his tense, stuttering lungs. His body is a  weapon church which his mind controls. 

What happens when he loses control of his mind?

It took everything in him and then some to explain it all to Foggy—everything about his abilities, about Stick. He’ll never forget the emotion in Foggy’s voice as he said Matt’s name at the end, once Matt had told him it all. 

“I—it’s fine, Foggy,” Matt told him, and he doesn’t understand why it pinged as a lie.

“...In the Glory of God the Father. Amen.”

Matt curses at himself when he realizes he’s missed the Glory to God and spends the Collect prayer making up for it.

He needs to do this right.

He pays attention throughout the reading because he needs to hear God. He needs to be reassured; he needs to know that he’s doing the right thing.

“I cannot tell you that this is or isn’t God’s will for you,” Father Lamton told him.

Sometimes, Matt misses the orders that are now one with the past. Now, Matt controls the mind, controls the body, and as he sits trembling before God, he thinks of his f(F)ather.

“I believe in one God…”

His dad never wanted him to fight; what would he say if he could see Matt now?

“I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ…”

What would his Father say? Could this truly be God’s will for him?

“For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilot.” Matt mouths it with Father: “He suffered death and was buried, and rose again on the third day…”

Matt wouldn’t be so blasphemous as to call himself Jesus, neither in word nor spirit. He feels he should repent for even entertaining the thought.

The truth is: this can’t be right. He is a sinful man. He’ll tell Foggy that he’s quitting Daredevil tomorrow.

He will.

He will.

“I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.”

_ Amen. _

But he remembers their work against Fisk: another man will take his place, should Matt leave the city alone.

Lord, have mercy.

Oh, Matt is a sinful sinner.

“Save us, Savior of the World, for by your Cross and Resurrection you have set us free.”

For even as he wades in this fountain, even as he prays for forgiveness every Sunday, he knows that by the time he leaves, he’ll continue to make his choice. He’ll continue doing what needs to be done.

And in the end...when it all comes back to God… Matt will have to hope the scales will tip in his favor.

Because as much as God has granted him free will, Matt is a slave to his choice. He does it because it’s right. He does it because it’s him. 

A part of him always knew, from the moment he put on the mask, that it would mold itself into his skin and he would never be able to take it off. 

So now he stands before God, and while he is not worthy of forgiveness, he begs for it, in a constant cycle. 

He’ll never be free. 

But maybe one day, he’ll be enough.


End file.
